Care

 Do you have to care about somebody’s feeling even though they have been unkind to you? It’s been troubling me. Shall I exploded the truth and don’t care about whatever feeling or shall I just keep it as it is? being neutral when time required, then I do. If it is never required, then I shall let it go. To me. Sometimes, they are always hiding some things. Although quite common in a workplace but to me it felt very awkward or more like I was never a part from the beginning. More like I am on my own although not always. I enjoyed solitude but I do prefer honesty and things being straightforward. Why aren’t they no matter what ages we were in? I am passing that point… Either the whole industries were like that and that explains a lot. Or I am still dreaming of the non-existence environment. If once, I would let go but sometimes, letting go will give a second and never ending chance for that. It seems like it is. Do u give them warning? hm… Or just continue on with my journey? not to the west but stay at the same point wfh. That way, I can enjoy doing work without those strange feelings. I cannot point a finger into what makes it strange. Most of the time, it feels more eerie from customer to company. Whatever. I felt like I am in a scary movie man. Someone is holding a knife out waiting to kill me or suddenly became monster and chase after me. I used to have nightmares but now I don’t dream a lot and mostly it is a living nightmare 😱. Something is just very wrong.  Sigh… Anyway, I might join a startup. I was just wondering if I should quit one month earlier or just wait until contract end. I hate wasting time on maybe or no answer or the answer that came after it’s done or there is nothing about it yet or the supplier’s unwillingness to reply my questions where nobody knows and nobody ask. One good thing I learn from my dasao. While giving tuition and my sis in law was giving hers to primary school students. The kid got scolded for not doing correctly and my dasao asked why wrong and don’t ask. The kid said he scared he got scolded and my dasao said then just get scolded lo… At some point, I would rather get scolded if I can get the answers… unless I knew I wouldn’t get the answers even after getting scolded. 😋 

That’s my power of figuring things out if I don’t know a thing and I can make out of it into something then get scolded lo. Since nobody knew. At least in the end, you will figure out what went or will go wrong. If you never started it, you will never know. Fail fast. If u wait also fail, don’t wait also fail. Fail now is actually an advantage. Probably changed to a startup environment, these weird feelings will go away though. It could easily be another 10 years because the code is not upgradable and no one is willing to be the wronged one to break it. In addition to no testing allowed. That’s the point that I felt is a bottleneck and why this job is so exciting. Excitingly deadly. Why change when it is working fine? is it? Just like Jenga. Don’t fall… Hope tonight I don’t have any nightmares. I hope got fairy godmother visit. Bring me to wonderland and I stayed there with her. Please don’t let it be coding. I have been getting timeslots in my dream, the terminal also haunting me and the bank people chased after me… Fairy godmother, please take them away and give me 1 dollar each in return… Maybe stay with me with a cup of coffee and a chess game. Play guitar with me and we can sing. With the cooling breeze brushing against our face at the never ending greenland. Well, if I could stay there forever, I wouldn’t mind. What about a swing. Or a waterslide. Will u be there?

It is March already… I didn’t like Feb. It was 3 days less but it was called a month. With the effort I made, I really thought of putting these effort into something more useful and with better returns. Not what everyone don’t want just pass to me. Not all I don’t like but who will like non-stop jobs with no guides and endless implications here and there. It’s a big project with small pay I guess. I lost willingness to do something whenever there is no thorough test and it is new. These things doesn’t exist before. Even when people using it, I felt bad for them even though I am the one who did it. I decided to become software engineer because I don’t want to make software like the software that I used to use and have grudges on it. Being in a company probably, hard to do those things. Everything is time limited. No rooms for creation. Just endless rushing and blindly doing. Almost done anyway. I will give myself 2 weeks more. Let’s see I shall give the letter that day or till contract ends or they sack me. hm… I let the heaven decides. I really want to join the start up though. That is a sure thing. Met with one of the member on weekend to talk about ideas. I have lots of idea that I wanted to do. Good thing is, we like sharing our ideas and being technical at the same time. Just worry too many ideas, no starting.. I do hope the other person who I have yet to meet will share the same aura or more like same mind or same character. Not sure what mixtures of characters were best for startup. Shall it all be the same or different. Same so no conflict. You will not worry about being misunderstood because we are the same type of people. But worry all same then work will have less variation. More introverted so if around the same kind will not need much to care. I am extrovert when I am with introvert. I am introvert when with extrovert. Most of the time I am introverted.  I do preferred same so whenever we sound out, they understand…. I can’t wait but yet it is another journey which I hope will last. It is still a seed in the soil. will it become a tree or a flower. Mostly now all we had were talks and how to start. As for when to start, will be clueless. 

i just finished jira. click on wrong things again….. i wonder if logging is more useful or planning is more useful.

It would be good if it was all technical collaboration and nothing to do with business.