Trip to Lawas

 Photo my mum took while on the way to Brunei after visit to Lawas at Temburong bridge. 

As always, she took the photo from the back when I drove. Cannot find old photos… Dad wanted to take pic of the bridge. Sometimes, it felt like I just get to know them again after a long while not at home. 

I took some too but too bad didn’t take one for my mum. 

It was like driving into the sea. It was really a peaceful ride. Actually I liked driving in Brunei or Lawas. Because there weren’t a lot of cars. I do know where to avoid the crowded places. Driving is fun. Finding ways a bit adventurous but dangerous. Finding parking is the worst. Another was security. Hope Malaysia will improve on that with the new leadership.

I think growing old in Malaysia would be where I eventually ended up with. Since, I am not going to get married or have kids and I am going to out my effort to build a business which I hated about since young. I realised that is a kind of freedom. You can choose to do the things the way you wanted it to. If it doesn’t end well, at least I tried in my lifetime which has nothing much to be anticipated about. Dad and Mum kept on placing me into embarrassing situation with people just hoped that I get married. Another was to ask me to adopt a child. I think they worried nobody will take care of me when I am old. It is a bit redundant though. Money spent on raising kid wouldn’t be small. After raising, would he/she be taking care of me? If a he, would belongs to his wife. A she, would belongs to her husband. Unless he/she doesn’t get married. I have to dealt with headaches. Probably have more problems for me to solve than to save up now and prepare for my own old age. I am not sure how long I will live based on my body condition. If I should go, hope it will be a fast death and not hanging around feeling ill while needed people to take care of me. I did have insurance for disability. Actually, a bit redundant. If I cannot move, I guess my life was already taken away. The only precious thing now is that I can still move around. I can still walk and eat would be the best condition. 

Right now, I am more worried about my parents. Actually, mum would get dizzy so I worried she would fall. Recently, my dizziness came back. Not sure if that was the tension at home or the sun. I would walk and suddenly felt dizzy out of nowhere ever since I was home. It hadn’t came back for quite sometimes. At least 3 years. Normally I would only felt it when I lie down on bed. 

If everyone wants to pick up old stories, I have a lot. Want to hear? I guess if there is a next life, don’t let me be in the middle. 

The reason I hated my younger brother was because he wasn’t thoughtful. He spent and wanted things. Privileges.  Not of a sound mind. Naive. Whatever. Most importantly, threats to my parents. The last point should not make me done the same to my parents just because of him. He should have a thought of his own. Now, he is adult. Whatever he chose, he will need to be responsible for it and not my parents. Sigh.

I guess knowing how to raise a child is also a skill. Else, you ended up as if you never has a child. 

I wonder if the same thing happened to you, will you be able to do the same thing as you said towards somebody else’s child. I have seen my nieces and nephews. I watched them grow. If they turned out to be like him, will I be able to do the same towards them as I did to my brother. Well, as aunt, I do hope they will not make wrong choices in life. If they did, make sure they can turn back and not going til there is a point of no returns. Yet, they are not my kids. I can’t say for sure. But to me, they were always like a child that I needed to protect. A child I hope would grow up well. Ready for a world that’s not there before. Away from everything shielded.