2020

 Was playing back my old list in Youtube. Since wfh, my side laptop is my best friend. I couldn’t even remember I added some songs and it is as if I have never heard of them before. It keeps me awake for all the rushing I need now. Was doing till 2:30 am… sigh. Now, couldn’t really find a good laptop for working. Most 4*s and above belongs to MacBook… for programming…

 

 都不知道是什么事，大家都会说没事的安慰。 好多事都来的太迟了。好多的帮助只要时间过了，等于没有，剩下的只是讽刺。错过就是错过了。遗憾不会别人说了就不会遗憾了。你到哪里它都会在。只有黑暗里你看不到它的影子。活着的就继续在黑暗里才能活着。其实生命早就结束了，光还是暗都无所谓。每个人都会为自己，为别人，冒着掉进黑暗里的可能。当着不让他们也掉进黑暗里。然后为自己掉进黑暗的人 是什么样的人。它会是黑暗里的天使 还是 阳光下的恶魔？还是这世界上从来都没有天使的存在？还是也把大家都拉到黑暗里。这样他们就可以看到你的世界。他们从来都看不到的世界。就算阳光在亮，也照不完所有的黑暗。就算可以离开黑暗到阳光里生活，但过不了的不是黑暗到阳光的世界，是自己的那一关。后悔没有药。阳光下的日子不长 有谁又可以一直在那阳光下微笑着奔跑。而我懂得说再见。偶尔遇见和自己一样的人而感到突然的解放。可是再好的相遇还是会别离。应为它可能只是一场梦。 每一个人都以为人会跟着时间变了。可是会不会只是你从来都没有认识这个人呢？还是等着时间过了，看过的人多了，才能看出一个人的变化。也许他们都带着面具。也许有些人只是丢掉了面具。有时候并不是想留在黑暗里，有时候只是不能原谅自己。也原谅不了别人。我想等到可以放下的那一天，可能是失意了。每件好的事就跟着失意消失了。可是想忘掉的，会一直像影子跟着你。我想是不是跟影子做朋友而不是摆脱它，会不会就更好？只有成为恶魔才不会怕恶魔。不是吗？跟着阿姨看的一个电影里写的。 只有不去感受，就不会痛。等着我的世界消失的那一天。

 砸电脑？ As I have predicted, the more screens I added, my laptop's capability won't be able to load. This is the third time I am restarting after adding 3 more screens to it... 我很想砸电脑。大一点东西就卡。。。。

 刚刚开始打。。。。。not responsive again!!!! 王 八 蛋 

 7.40 pm restart 7:52 pm start program required to code. recover selected file (might take some time) probably I should sleep for a while. Haven't start sql yet. Worry it crashed if I start all at the same time. it is loading now. loading loading loading..... 07:56 pm one of it loaded. Another one still opening file.... 07:57 pm still loading, I just start sql 07:58 pm program two completed loading, sql hasn't pop up anything yet. oops. just as I said, I saw the starting program. 08:02 pm sql still loading..... my program not responding everytime I typed in something. RAM is high. 08:04 pm sql loading completed... 08:05 pm vpn connection established. Connect sql Typical start up done.

 The reason is the McAfee scanner service. sigh... Actually. think McAfee is not smart enough to tell whether there is a malicious program or not. It tells by the .exe and whatever extension with whatever malicious extension that has been reported. It cannot tell until somebody has fallen for it before.... And then making everything real slow. Hell, waiting for the laptop to start. Another half an hour gone.

又 卡 了。 烂 电 脑 curse.

 想买个新电脑。用久了慢电脑，我怕我会变的更笨。每做几件事就等几分钟。虽然钱还是会给我但我不想浪费这种时间。有时间应该用来休息，睡觉，学习更多新知识， 还有把写过的程序改的更好，或者把bug吃掉把技术债务还掉。这样才会越来越好。浪费时间等着电脑烦。15-30分钟用来开电脑。关电脑也一样。这不是我小时候用的电脑才会这样吗？ 不过我在想值不值得买个新的。

啊失败

I am thinking something real fishy is going on. In just one day. Plenty of things were somehow revolves around someone. A plan to either wipe out the bad ones or truly the good ones. They are up to no good or they are doing something good. Is it the bad in the making or the good. If they did, please wipe out those  unscrupulous people who has been harming people just because they can. I think not only in the entertainment industries but other industries also. What happened seems like somebody strike back for getting caught. Spreading false rumours and hit back at certain artist. Are they true? when there are so many lies made throughout? Use them to get more ratings or whatever? but what it hurts were artists involved. I hope the ones that I have been supporting were fine and not scapegoat to somebody hidden schemes to overturn the good and the devil to take over.

 有些事其实如果以前我应该会很想看。会放下手上的工作去解决问题。看不惯的问题。可是想到要把电脑花了半小时才开好的东西都关掉。在去开一个不知道又要等多久的东西。然后又没有这个那个什么的，怎么查。还是别浪费时间了。其实不应该为了问题然后又匆忙的做下一件事。结果只会两边不到底。又制造一样的问题。还有手头上的工作应为很多事已经延迟了好多。6月开始一直在改。说好的6月尾然后七月尾。我只能说以之前给的资料其它的都猜的。有些东西已经成形了要改就一大堆问题。尤其那些看似简单但是只要调动就有问题的我没办法了。就只能加了。不改。现在专注把这件事做好。之前没说过的事就等这个好了才做吧。

今天聊到了做个散工也好。也可以赚更多。其实也是。可是为什么要活的那么辛苦呢。其实你我都知道为什么只是偶尔不想面对。只是想说说。但没想到的是我觉得最不可能说这一件事的却说了。想想就好。 明天开始就专心的做完这件事不管风大雨大。就这样。一个月后再说。

 The switch kit has finally arrived but I don’t have the keyboard with me. Will change it tomorrow night!!!  It’s linear!

I will receive my Switch Kits soon but my keyboard is at the office. Maybe going to change them this weekend. I have like 5 page Screen to write. The code for this 1 page is already 600-700 lines. If I wrote to 5 page, it is equal to writing 4k lines. Enough for an essay? Those lines doesn't have a limit to the number of characters. I am looking at the backend for a week now.   Overall, it's like writing a book but all in secret code and you have to figure out what each means. Navigating around. It is like a book that we once had. Like giving the user a choice. Not sure if anyone had read that. As in we are the character in the book. If you want to eat a pizza, go to page 10 and if you want fries, go to page 13 or something like that. We are back to that but using our code?? :)

 晚上回到家，在想着睡还是不睡。还有好多事要做。最近还真的有点被买键盘和老鼠逗留太久了。我想罚我自己一个星期不碰这些还有娱乐了。太耗时间而且总是让我觉得有特别的愧疚感。以前的追星我很满足可是现在像是负担。我想应为以前都看报纸所以收到的讯息应该都过滤了。现在看到的不烦都觉得烦躁不安。 已经不是初心了。 而且好多都不是健康的材料。电视可以让你看世界，它可以帮你，却也可以毁了看它的人的一生。如果没有认知的人只会变的更无知还理直气壮。可以是一个害了电视里还有电视前的人。当然都是权力还有钱。 我打开了电脑可是眼睛没有办法不关。想起很多事很烦。我想这一切值得吗？ 如果喜欢变成了习惯那还是喜欢吗？还是变质了？ 如果是以前我喜欢的这三个人同时出现在报纸上我不止就笑一笑，看了就好。我会看好几遍好希望就好像他们在眼前。知道他们的每一个消息，出了新唱片还是新剧或电影。都舍不得放下报纸。开心一整天。在哪里都会看哪里有他们。可是我好像失去了这种感觉。它是不是回不来了。 以前写blog是为了英文。二哥知道我有写blog所以说他可以帮我改我的英语这样可以更进步。二哥英文比较好而且在澳洲读大学。结果忘了怎么停了。 应该是我懒惰的没写要不然就是太烂了，他不想改了。 ：）。一开始是朋友也写所以我写。想把今天没看过的事和物还有什么特别开心的事情写下来。第一次离开家。还记得我不到17可是几天后要过生日了。虽然没人在身边记得还有手机也不会收到任何人的祝福。我还是更期待的新旅程。结果和我一起一间房的是在我几天后就生日了。后来一起买蛋糕庆祝了。很少和那么多人接触的好像认识很久的朋友。说话也不需要想太多。也不会说做人的好话。就什么都没有。我写下了好多快乐的事。人是不是时间久了，长大了，就没有办法享受什么是快乐。慢慢的我知道的事越来越多。慢慢的好多都是发泄不好的情绪在blog上。少了很多我们一起的快乐。然后慢慢就变的只是一个自己写blog的习惯。 生边的人也慢慢消失了。我也不是我了。留下的blog我也删了。有些其他的平台也消失了。我们一起的痕迹也没有了。我也把日记本都丢了。相片也删了。专辑在家也被丢掉了。好多事原来说丢了就丢了。其实想想，这世界上没有一件 是丢不掉的。到最后丢掉的是自己。消失的无影无踪。而找不回的东西告诉我不管是什么都不会一辈子。不管是什么都经不起时间的考验。流失的是时间。只剩下叹气声。记忆也慢慢的

 新买的老鼠 在我忙着找耳机的时候 紧张的不小心碰到桌上的咖啡 洒在老鼠上。可是直播要开始了，她要回来了我不能错过。 耳机找到了，可是直播在哪里没找到。一边想着咖啡淋湿的新老鼠可是不能放下旧爱。我赶快拿纸随便抹干了就找直播。后来幸好的在她来之前找到了。 老鼠可怜的在一旁。确定娜姐没到马上那干的湿的纸巾擦了一下。我倒着放的擦 有几滴咖啡滴了出来染到了纸上。my gad. 比我想象的还惨 我马上就拿着纸巾和老鼠甩一甩的想把咖啡甩出来。还蛮多的。 不是防水的：（ 91块买的 而且才一个星期不到！ 我的心被兴奋和责备打乱了。 后来使用的时候滑得有点慢而且不灵 后来我淋一点水上去然后希望能把咖啡甩出来。后来滑的还好结果，有时候 按不到。 要重启以后才能按 ：（ 我又用一点水洒在上面。然后再甩一甩。 还是一样。今天还是一样 ：（

 I liked the keyboard! Nice choice. 👍 I have read a few things about them recently so it was my foolishness of not knowing their benefits. Can I count on luck? Hm, I really dunno if I should change my job. Either buy another laptop just to deal with my super ang ku kueh laptop can’t deal with or I change job. Anyway, the policies were strange to begin with. Probably using my own laptop, I won’t have so much issues with all the viruses and spams. Actually, if they are worried, development should be a different entities from other entity. Maybe the existence of a bridge somewhere but definitely whatever systems they had were compromising what we needed to develop.  有些事是一辈子的负担。也许死亡才是解决问题的存在。死亡其实是解脱这世界的摆布。如果活着比死亡还痛苦那么活着是为了什么。有些人以为的活着就是拥有可是拥有了却忘了活着。期望也只是对自己认为的未来做选择 就算是未知的可是却认为了。也许是对的也许是错的 如果并没有减少痛苦那还是对的吗？我们都为了那笔钱，想要的更多 所以付出自己的性命。 我们都为了一张纸的荣耀 付出青春的最好时光。我们为了更好的生活 活成了别人想要的模样。也许我就赞同了这个孩子写下的遗书。其实看不透的是我们。而她用了自己的性命证明一切只是人的自作聪明。如果在活一次，我会和她一样吗。

 I can’t wait to meet my new keyboard. Pretty fast delivery. Bought it like not long ago.

 我想了很久。看了好多天。终于昨天有8%折扣。另外一家店有5%。 所以就和不同的店买了一个G512键盘，另一个买了G604老鼠。原价119和99。扣了8块和4.95块。刚好我是会员得到一张超过200扣20。所以扣了32.95。如果是同一家， 加起来以后也就只能扣8块最多。为什么？ 害我要分开两家店去买。I got a new keyboard and a mouse! Pretty ex but it’s awesome when I used them so bought one for office and one for home. 然后之前🈶️3-4块的回扣。加起来大概扣了36-37块👍

While I was at work, I was more discipline but things were slow. At home, I am quite fast because of my super duper set up but discipline was not that good. Keep finding things to drink or eat or do. Distraction everywhere. Yesterday afternoon, some UI thing challenged me for the whole afternoon. So, now, I just started to do and *ding ding* within ten minutes, I got it to work.... hahaha I was thinking to get another screen but I have no place to put. I think I have made full use of the table already. Big fan is on my side. Small fan for all the devices. I am still lacking a small table organizer rack to put the plugs, tablet and phone or things not in use but easily retrieved. My work station at home is far better than at the office whereby I have to move most stuff if needed to office back or fro to home if work from home.  Maybe I will need another set of this keyboard and mouse at the office so I won’t need to move them there. I have one set like the secondary ones but not that at

  It is so enjoyable that it made my heart skips. I bought this for a few weeks already, only I saw the settings to change this. I was thinking to buy another one at work. It is too heavy to bring around to work. There are a few more light settings! I liked this best. Should I buy another one? Either the same one or another model. The other model maybe I need a none clicky one. I cannot decide whether to buy the tactile or linear one. One has sound but no clicks while the other is purely quiet. Quiet one I can put at home so when I type at night, it won’t make a sound while my sis was asleep. Tactile one will be half as quiet. I went to the shop to try them. I felt like I liked them all. Was thinking to buy another set of switches so I can switch but the switches cost like 79 and I where got time to change one by one everyday. Maybe I change only a few switches? Maybe buy a new one? but different brand??? like Razer Black Widow? em… I tried the 399 one, after discount 289… That’s like

 

haha hahaha 想骗我。15% off。 要买最少20块。然后不可以扣超过2块。那不就是10%吗？  

I think I should change my role. Why not I don’t clean up after every meal and I spent my free time while somebody else  do that? No magic sink anymore. Why not I got my toys and play around with it while the one who doesn’t have to do anything got it.  Why not I spend my time playing around like other kids did and not having to care how much did our shop earned that day and what are the things needed to be done or not done? Why not I spent the time watching tv or just do nothing and wait for lunch to be cooked and not even have to prepare anything just like everyone else did? Sometimes, I do hope being alone. At least, I am alone and truly alone. Not like alone but still have to serve as if I don’t matter to anyone too. What makes girls have to know how to do all that and to do all that? I realised don’t put in all the work and let people trample on after all what you have done was still considered too little. Why can’t people just stop wishing people will always do things for them an

So now I am doing three things, although not 💯 % of it  but most new features were added with a single word of this feature and a few spoken statements that worth possibly hundreds of possibilities. If it is easier said than done, this features that people said only required a few days to complete has never been completed. As a beginner, I guess I wasn’t totally pleased with what I have done but I think I am ok with the MVP considering my level. I was wondering, if today I quit, what should I expect for my next job. Do I wait til I am being replaced or do I seek to replace another? Everyone can be replaced, for the things I have learnt, what assessment should I used to assess myself on my skills. Would you wait til you are being replaced and go or would you go until you are being replaced. Everything about this jobs felt very insecure in terms of what I am doing. Like everything is still floating around and fatigue in everyone’s mind. People still have uncleared leaves. I wonder what’

  爸发给我的照片。

 

I am still very much affected by the show. I never liked sad ending. 😠 😠 😠  I hate this feeling. 😠 After spending a day to watch it and this is what I got. 😠  It’s like something stuck in my heart. The more I rmb from the show, that awful feeling is there. I got to Shopee and was thinking should I buy another keyboard. I am thinking maybe this keyboard thing started when I was younger. We had a computer at my father’s office but at that time it is the only one. Supposed to use it for doing account and cctv. Somehow, I wasn’t allowed to use it. All those while we have been using typewriter to write account statement (20+ years ago ma). Then there is electronic typewriter. This one I don’t have to hit so much. I was still in primary school. I used it to type my own tutorial questions. Then later on help my dad to type out the statement. Alignment is all by eyes and hands. I don’t have much toys to play with. I played with the real thing. I got a knife which I started using since pri

I passed by the living room and Aunty was watching some show again. I sat down and never got up after I got home yesterday. Then, I watched till morning. Should have never started watching. I think I need to close my eyes or blind folded whenever I passed by the living room. I slept the whole day of today. The show was draggy. I didn’t know what’s happening for the first half but I guess I know some because the flashbacks kept on repeating and repeating… half the time it was flashbacks for every episode. Roughly guess what it was. The most troubled part for me was the ending. I was so troubled that I felt my heart wrenched. I shouldn’t have watch at all. Sad ending is not for me. I felt like my whole world was dragged in. The plot was meant to be that way but I hated it. 😠 I am still troubled by it. I even woke up from my sleep heart wrenched.

 I think my hobby is buying keyboard. I just bought a Mechanical one and it is quite clicky. Somehow, it’s not so annoying when you are the one making the noise. It’s super fast response too. Well, I was thinking to buy another one at put it at the workplace. I got two same pair of keyboard and mouse. It would be wasteful.. I think I have bough too many keyboards over the years. :)  One I let my sis use. Another ergonomic one is still under my bed in a box. One for tablet but it’s no longer working. Another two were given away. Another two from Microsoft which is portable and foldable but rarely use because both are defective despite costing about 100 each.  I think that’s all the sin in buying keyboard that I had.  Bought another webcam because my laptop no webcam… the machine that I am in charge of writing was no where to be found. So, the only solution is to buy one so I can write and test. Another stupid thing. I realised my laptop can still transfer file while it is opened! I did

 I am my own enemy. Sometimes, we can’t see what we ourselves are doing. When we were blinded by ourselves, we became the enemy of ourselves to destroy ourselves. Worst enemy of all is yourself.

都是从愚蠢开始的。世界一直都是属于愚蠢的状态。打仗不可能只靠外来的邪恶。也有从里而来的贪与蠢。看了这么多，历史也记了那么多，悲剧只会创新高。并没有住址悲剧的发生。We still tends to drive by our own ego. It surpassed many precautions and wasted the effort of so many generations and the people who had lost their life. Lesson was never learnt where ego, power and wealth still hold the wheel. No one ever let peace or wisdom or kindness take it. Wickedness can easily wipe out knowledge. Until then, all were lost and we blamed fate. We will only know the worth of something, when we lost them. Know the source of what you had. Once you lost them, it might takes forever to regain them or worst, they are nowhere to be found. Don’t let lies be the source of your life.

 已经快两天了。终于找到问题在哪里了。。。是一个非常无聊的问题。改了好多东西结果倒回来了。之前应为想减少时间。就减少了。结果其中一个方式如果是启动后的第一次，需要25-30秒。而我应为之前减少的我只给2秒。所以一直失败。第二次以后才可以两秒内成功启发。what the heck. Stupid error.这样就浪费了我的两天。好的事是我知道了这个问题。只是是一个无聊又笨的知识。知道了也对我没有什么好处。只是又要为这个无聊的只是做一些无聊的改变。我的程式应该会很难看。都是这些有的没的傻问题写的。

该试还是不该。会不会一开始就是个错误。是我的问题吧。有些其实我一点都不注重。有就有。我更希望技术上能够更好而不是一直在错误中绕来绕去。而且有些真的需要測試。沒有以前的可以參考。雖然有些有的參考可是加在一起還是要測試的。我找了很多可是就不知道為什麼沒有任何人寫這個app。我是以以前的方式。測試然後寫出來的。我覺得都好了可是有些地方應該要更好一點。一開始學的時候都叫我們用現有的library。結果都沒有。然後說很常都只是改一點點東西而不用從新寫。還好我半信半疑。