2020

 Business I didn't check much on the utility. Based on the number of workers inclusive of my Dad's, for his business to at least not to make a loss, would be to earn at least 1300 to 1400 per day. The shorter the workdays, the more the money is required. This is also based on 30% profits of sale per day to make up for employee cost. If 50 percent of the time, this is not met, the loss is at least 5200 per month. If 100 percent of the time, the loss is 10400 per month.... One year, loss would be between 62400 to 124800 per year. Enough to buy car/house in Malaysia. This is just salary alone. Excluding all utilities and equipment which is like a small sum compared to this.  When your own workers getting paid for these and still carry on to take away business by dealing with customers offline excluding the company, using company's materials and gaining profits from it. Who paid for the raw materials, storage, equipment and work pass? I do think Brunei can improve more. I think...

 When I went shopping with Mum to buy Chinese New Year decoration, a little girl was looking at the ice cream box while I was paying. After I am done, Mum took an ice cream, passed it to me along with a few dollars. I thought she wanted to eat that so I go along with it. Turned out, she wanted to give it to the little girl. I stopped that. Actually, there are reasons why parents don't buy ice cream for their kids. I knew that quite well but rebel against that. The girl might have condition that ice cream is not allowed so we should not simply give ice cream to kids and some more, the parents not around. It could be allergy which can be life threatening. In the end, I ate it. :P Remember an instance, I used to buy 20 cents ice tube to a kid of Dad's employee. She kept on staring at the ice cream too so I bought her. I was like 10-11 and the kid was like 5-6 years old. Then while looking after the shop and chatting with the employee, she realized I was the one who fed the kid ice...

 Some things I definitely knew. Anyway, hope they are truthful too. For now, I cannot say a thing. Either I continue my business in Malaysia or continue but wait till a later stage to decide. I can see what Dad’s worry but I do know there is some stuff he is hiding. I knew he wasn’t well for a long time but what did I did to solve that? Love or hate? Mainly, now I wanted to save up for them. At least, they don’t have to worry about nobody wants them. Just hope my younger brother wakes up and stop giving troubles. Although, that was just part of the problem. My plan did not include him. Mainly because of my parents. At least by then, he won’t have to struggle with rents, electric/water bill, food bills, phone bills, supplier’s bill, workers bill, taxes, petrols, cars bill, medical bills, and the most gruesome, court case of 13 years. As to the hidden cost to my younger bro was not known, I hope it was not as gruesome as court case. If he stopped his business, and didn’t have to pay ...

 Photo my mum took while on the way to Brunei after visit to Lawas at Temburong bridge.  As always, she took the photo from the back when I drove. Cannot find old photos… Dad wanted to take pic of the bridge. Sometimes, it felt like I just get to know them again after a long while not at home.  I took some too but too bad didn’t take one for my mum.  It was like driving into the sea. It was really a peaceful ride. Actually I liked driving in Brunei or Lawas. Because there weren’t a lot of cars. I do know where to avoid the crowded places. Driving is fun. Finding ways a bit adventurous but dangerous. Finding parking is the worst. Another was security. Hope Malaysia will improve on that with the new leadership. I think growing old in Malaysia would be where I eventually ended up with. Since, I am not going to get married or have kids and I am going to out my effort to build a business which I hated about since young. I realised that is a kind of freedom. You can choose...

 Bad enough to meet one villain. Then met a second one. Shit happened. 

 While focusing on something wasn’t easy but I think it is worth a try.  Today, I called Dad. Guess what, he didn’t pick up and it was another woman voice. Oh. I almost thought I got it wrong. It was my sister’s mother-in-law. She told me my Dad forgotten his phones and left it at their place while going back to Miri. I guess he will be very frustrated now because he was almost inseparable from his phones. Mum lost one of her keys. Have I told you about my time in Brunei for a month? I have been finding their phones, their keys, Walking stick, Cup, my socks and phone too, so on. Everyday, there were always things to find. Not only that! My older sis almost lost her phone. She boarded the plane and realised her phone was missing. We cannot tell where it was. The SIA crew quickly realized our panic and came over to us to offer help. Before the take off, they found it and also did verification before returning it to my sis. While reaching Sg, before getting off the plane, I canno...

 I realised the best time for jail breaker to break out is during cny. Everyone wearing red. 

 It is only right to put away negative feelings. Here is the positive ones.  Right now, ignore other things but the problems in front. Once solved, set up cautionary action. Another is to make up new opportunities. 

 It's time to clear everything.

 I saw other people mum got big tv and things that are new. Towards my mum is like nothing.  My mum was using a MacBook air that was like 10+ years old. Before I moved to Sg, she already had it. How she had it. My younger brother bought it with “hard-earned” money by giving tuition to 1 student at 60 dollars per month and duration for about a few months.  He dropped the laptop and how he did that, I am not sure. The macbook with a very visible bent on one corner is still usable but ugly. He “gave” it to mum and bought another one.  Recently when I was back home for a month, her adapter can no longer charge the macbook. She said after repair or software update at some shop because she doesn’t know how to update it, thereafter, it wouldn’t start up. Two possibilities, the charging port in the macbook is already broken. The adapter no longer works. There was also a new bent to the macbook. I think dropped as well.  Anyway, will you spend another 92 dollars on a ada...

 Mum’s pants. While doing laundry, this was what I found. She always complained nobody brings her to shop. When we did, she would say too expensive and said don’t buy. Lets buy at Miri. When reached Miri, she would say buy at Bandar. It’s a loop. Kept on going round and round. She doesn’t throw away things that were broken.  Mum and I went grocery shopping. Our car controller ran out of battery. We went to buy a screwdriver. They no longer sell the smaller ones separately. I was deeply frustrated either to buy a good set or a makeshift cheap ones. In the end, mum said the cheap ones. After first use, the tip broke but we use another smaller one which worked as well. Now left in the car to rot. She said she got spare battery and so after fixing it, controller still wouldn’t work. I asked her if it was used but she said it was new. In the end, I went back to the mall to buy a new battery and it worked. Mum thinks it is still working and the battery is rechargeable. She wanted to...

 Putting aside months. Putting aside years. I see where our problems were.  Running out of time. Sigh… In times of chaos, who offered help. 

 Accidentally bumped into a car while parking. I think while driving, it is best not to hesitate. It is better to go the wrong way than to stop to find the right way. It is better not to consider too long where to park.  People buy Macbook to spend money, I used Macbook to earn money. If that is not ok, give me the money back because that money comes from that Macbook. The laptops that I have bought was what I used to earn the profits that you have used. If that is not ok, then give me back my money. If I spent on good people, I probably more than happy. To know that after helping and all I get is getting look down on at your lowest point in life, it is not worth it. Took the position that is your position. Maybe I shouldn’t have helped so much. See money more than the one who have helped. Sometimes I can see where that comes from but only when you needed help. When offered freely, you put your doubt. I guess I should look out for myself more from now on instead of giving all ...

 Target at someone so nobody will target you. Motto of the world. Seeing that my dad has been giving away money, hm. All that was in the front was purchased. Hm…  If there are 10 workers, at the very least, the profits excluding raw materials and operating cost, a factory needs to have a profit of 500 on average. That is considering 30 days work day. Excluding sunday and holiday, there is so much more.  The accounting says, profits or not. 600-800/day just nice to pay off everything. If that is so, then to have revenue for all the repairs and raw materials next purchase, at least 1k/day is required… hm… I think the economy not as nice as before. We used to be full most days in the past but the crowd has died off. Something was off for a long time. If you cannot make 1k/day, everything is a loss.  One good thing about sole proprietorship. Just me. If I did earn and cutting all the tax, that would be mind but of course I have to work harder.

 From the moment I stepped in, there is something unspeakable. Not sure what’s that feeling and everyday this feeling grew stronger and stronger. I realised why fix if nobody wants to. Anything, just point at each other. Targeting each other. It seems people forget what they did or what others did. Yet, they hanged on to something worst of each other. To me, if it is no longer a family, why bother to make up the front. Anyway, few things already targetted at me. More than I can say. From borrowing money to macbook pro. Somebody is saying something definitely. Screwing things from the truth. Who borrowed money from who? For that, I cannot help, if you like to believe what was not even the truth or fact. People preached but never do what they say. As for the truth, I am not sure what was. Did you took the money? hm. I can’t say when I wasn’t there but you can’t know the same about me without being there. The only reason I brought things up was when the unspeakable thing struck again....

 We went to Lawas today. Dad wanted to see his lands which he bought in the 80s and before I was born. He hadn’t been there since then. The address wasn’t even on Map yet. They went there by memory.  A hill, a big tree and somewhere near the stadium… hahaha. That’s how they find it. I became a trusted driver for being known to lost my way. I followed Map, they said I go the longer way. I followed theirs they said they forget. Or anyway will do… Yet, we made it. The view was really nice. Mum asked what is the name of the new bridge between Muara and Temburong? Dad said it is something called Raya at the back. He said it was on the LED panel. He asked us to read it everytime we passed by. It says something like Berhati-hati di Jalan Raya…. Jalan Raya… Hahahahaha Dad asked mum not to tell me what to do while driving. He will stop her from telling me what to do. Later on, when he saw green traffic light, he told me to speed up. He saw a car driving real fast in front of us, he ask...

 While there are people thinking about health, I found out that there are people who have other thoughts. Someone who talk behind my back while wanting me to keep secret. Slowly putting me in different light. The thoughts have gone on to somewhere that wasn’t in the picture yet and far from it. That means it was in their mind all along and it was about themselves. Selfish and everytime, it was about her. Anytime, she will think first for herself.  Wicked. Come what may to the people with evil thoughts. If there is someone who treated your parents this way, hm. Hope the same to your parents or ended up like them. Weak in the heart. Shit people shit thought. May all people with evil thoughts not get what they want.

 Mum and eldest brother weren’t in talking term. This afternoon, our neighbour treated us Pumpkin with some santan or coconut milk. I brought some to my mum. We were worried she got high cholesterol, wouldn’t like the santan because of it plus gastric and would not want it. She ate the pumpkin and scooped up a spoonful of santan. Drink. She exclaimed wah santan and drink it. I didn’t take much for her because of the previous worry. She said she wants more Santan… She liked Santan… I didn’t know that. Fast forward. We brought the whole thing in. My brother scooped up a bit and try the pumpkin. He tasted a spoonful of Santan. He said the same thing as mum with same expression…then quickly scoop more of the santan. Same taste, thicker than blood.

 I drove mum and dad to Miri today from Brunei. Eldest brother helped me to get the pass to drive a Brunei car while being a Malaysian. Lucky thing is I don’t work in both countries. Chaos but fun. hahaha. Mum and dad were fighting. I knew things but I guess just let it be. While driving, Dad said I am suppose to be the boss if I am the driver. I asked him where to go but he said anywhere because I am the boss since I am driving. He prevents mum from telling me what to do. After that, he himself making lots of comments. Hahahahaha. First, he asked me not to drive too fast. I drove a bit slower. Then he said I am driving too slow. Overtake that car. When I reached the traffic, he asked me to drive faster, it’s green! I drove slower. Partly, got car in front. Another part, traffic light should always drive slower. Who said I was the boss because I am driving… If mum said slow, dad say fast. When mum said fast, dad say slow. Anyway, he was trying to oppose what mum said. I knew it. Be...

 My mum did save up a lot for her kids. If she bought things, it was with the thoughts of her kids although not what her kids need. She didn’t know the right way to express. Just as we did. She always tried not to spend here and there. Not many things she bought was only for herself in the past. We all used them. She kept things because they were bought with money. She hold on to things like our pillows and my bolster was surprisingly still at home. I bought it at Uni. Old and they were stacked in her room. Many many more… I actually hope she doesn’t hold on to it because we need to look at the present too. We were not the one who lived the best anyway. Maybe she should keep the things we buy her now and that can be kept and useful to her. It worths more of the space. She is not the only one responsible. That’s all I can say. l

 Someone will have to be the bad guy. Someone will always make another to be a bad guy. There is always someone who volunteered to be one or just happened to be one. Haha. If you have seen a storm, then you will understand why certain structure in a building is necessary to shield you from the storm and not expose you to it. Tired. More like mentally tired. Humans….  I always thought I am alien. I am indeed one. An alien with no spaceship, not sure where I came from. I guess I should leave it at that. Actually mum tried not to fight back today. Was about to praise her but then back to square one when the second one happened. I was the culprit for the second one. Is it because of the new kettle? The new kettle was supposed to help mum from not mentioning about the old kettle. Sigh… Oya… The battery thing. I was turning off the fan. Our fan surprisingly doesn’t have an off button. The off button doesn’t work. The speed of fan was reverse. I wanted to close it but found that it w...

 This thing is the main subject. Got into a fight with my mum. She said I have never helped at home. I felt like hm… was I invincible? for like from Primary 6 to Form 5. Maybe I was invincible. If I knew it, I shouldn’t have done any because it would be the subject of whatever you have done. Anyway, not wanting to claim anymore but then what’s the point. Don’t be an invincible helpful kid. To me now, is to give them my time because it was always limited. Either myself or other people. Now, where shall we go from here. Actually, I was thinking maybe I should move back to Malaysia. Being a single PR, I won’t be able to buy a HDB. Also living expenses will be pretty high for me and elder parents especially not local or pr. I guess if anything, best is still Malaysia. At least they have their medical benefit as senior citizen maybe. I have to check. Then I can provide the rental and wfh since I am doing my own business. It would be a bit hectic but it may solve the chaos. From the mome...

 Silence brings more chaos. Chaos brings more silence.

 I was at the office and Dad asked me to charge the drill batteries back at home. I walked back and did so. Moment later, they closed the office and came back in the living room. Dad asked me to close the gate and I don’t have a gate controller. His keys were nowhere to be found. Searched his pouch, room and drawers but no where to be found. I borrowed my brother’s key to open the office again and the keys were in the drawer… Then I realised I don’t have my phone with me. I didn’t remember bringing it back before or I left it somewhere. Just now so many people in the office and also customers. What if they took away… Everything’s inside. Sadded. Worried. I went back to find in the office to search for it but not found. My brother helped to call my phone. I gave Dad his keys before I scavenged the living room to find my phone and told him now it was my turn to lost my phone. He laughed at me… I tried to help him recover but he didn’t even laugh but at least he laughed. Yet, soon aft...

 Own master, own slave. Registered for it. Few days passed since I last applied. The referral approval date took like 5-6 days. Finally saw the status as ok two days ago. 4th Jan 2023. All my favourite numbers. My favourite numbers are 1234567890. Mark the day, I took the risk. Tired. Anyway, I only gave myself 2 options. Do it in Sg or move to Malaysia to proceed. Either way got good and bad. Decision making time. Either way, if I don’t choose now will waste away time. Hope I don’t.  Been back for a few days. Dad not doing any good. Sad that he always put other things first instead of the things he needed to face. Kept on putting his health at risk. Doing things that will make his condition worse. Anyway, I haven’t got covid til now. I may either be asymptomatic or false negative.