2020

 My weight has gone down to 66.7 kg this morning. Phew. I think that is the lowest since like 4-5years ago. Brunei is giving me a headache. Anything also cannot buy online… Sad. Finally found one then the price like kept on changing. Yesterday the purifier was like 300+. I bought for 200+ in SG. Today, it skyrocketed to 600++. That’s double the price. As I go back and forth, the price could go up to 800++. What’s happening? If I were there, I could have gone to the shop and buy directly. Sigh. Too bad, I am back here. The trip was cancelled because the court was delayed and my Dad need to rearrange everything. Did I really make a wrong choice? If I were to stay back and help, would everything still be the same as it is? Not the choice I made this Jan but long long time ago. Then would mum and dad still be ok? Hm. I doubted so. I believed it could be worst based on how things work back home. 

 Dad likes to wake up early and go for breakfast. Mum likes to sleep late and wake up late. Dad like air conditioning. Mum scared of cold. Dad is Chinese educated. Mum is English educated. How did these two person got married and have kids… As you grow old with that someone in life, do you wake up early or late? Someone has to give in? Like either Mum wakes up late and Dad followed or Dad wakes up early and Mum followed. In the end, we are all born into this world and why shall we give in to our way of living? I preferred sleeping late on some days. Especially weekends. I preferred a good breakfast and a plan to wake up early. So? Sigh. Humans. I am just passing by earth and then be gone with the winds as the time come. As if I were never here. 

 I am 67.3 kg now. Ok. Good progress. Maybe plan 2 morning run per week. I have done once so far. hm. Why do people have to make people life hard. The norm is always hurting your body and other people’s body. 

 KKKO I was on the bus to work. Funnily, two guys seated right behind my row was talking about bloated stomach and health when working. Over eating and what food they eat was bad. So, this wasn’t my problem only. I guess a bloated stomach is definitely something to do with eating wrongly. I stopped drinking 3 in 1 just to try out what food causing what. I now drank none ice, no creamer and no sugar water. Only drink Kopi O Kosong to keep myself from getting headache. Yesterday inly drank one so when I reached home, I have to make myself 1 after I felt headache during meal around 8pm. Start a bit if coding around 9pm and then stopped at 11:55pm. Well, from what I have tried, I don’t have bloated stomach ever since I quit my job. Could be the food, could be the same time I quit drinking 3-in-1 or 2-in-1. Cutting down sugar already like made a bit of difference. Cutting down creamer, totally good. I switched to drinking milk with Coffee but only once per day. In the morning, so I can ...

 KO.

 The program so far is good. A bit of flaws but still, it can do hardwares communication and still operate at the same time. Asynchronous live programming level to the max. First day, I was overwhelmed by the discounts. A bit overwhelmed by where to find those without barcodes. Ok. At least now I know how certain things work. Like how to use something. Although I used to be a cashier since I was 9/10. Cashier back then was only entering the amount to be paid and amount paid. Most of the time, my brain is the os. OS is inside my head. Nowadays, I felt like my brain is outside of my head. 

 1st day of part time job. Found a part time like less than a week. For engineering, the whole process was like a few months. Application also a few months to get a response. Part time was like pretty fast, within the day, I got a response or have and don’t have.

 Don’t follow instructions. Don’t follow rules and regulations. Don’t follow user manuals. Don’t update user manuals.

 Nice environment. Why I never have this kind of environment at work? One thing, developers like to wear black shirt. I can say 80 percent wore black. 90 percent used MacBook for coding. I brought Windows today. I haven’t been coding on MacBook for too long so worry might not have any progress fumbling with the OS. Only like 1/2 person knowing C#. I might want to slowly move back to JS and Go. Haven’t been using them too.

 I thought that I could be free. Days after days, years after years, still. While being young, I wanted to grow older faster, and everything will be better as I grew older. As I grew older, I thought I could see the end of the tunnel. Still, 35 years later, I am still inside that tunnel. Did I go further into that tunnel or I walked the wrong way? Each day, telling myself that I am almost there. Why nothing seems to change but got worst? By right, these ten years should be much easier than when everyone were still schooling. From not having a proper house to having a big house. From a small wagon to big wagon. Then from having to not having.  Should I start anew? Where did all those things go? It's a mystery.  When I should be enjoying my youth, I am already working and taking care of things. While studying I can look after the shop, look after kids and do chores. While doing Uni, I gave tuition to my cousin and also earn some pocket money. Can still do work at home durin...

 10 years is a good judgment of where I will be if I continue as I am. Remember with age, it will be worse. I am finding my way out of this. 

 I was chatting on the phone. I missed a stop. Then I realised, it was closer to the place I planned to go :). The map will normally ask you to stop at an earlier stop and then walk. Instead, I was one station passed the intended stop. The place I have to be was right there. Good mistakes take you to place that you will never pass and that may be better. I am a bit over qualified for the job. Well, on top of that, I may have the chance to do baking. Count by hand, how many times did I bake in the past. I think I managed to make 2 cheesecake during my teenage years. Some other time is the ready bake one so not more than the count of my fingers.  I do what I can do now and best for the situation that I am in. Really part time is the only way. At least I will use it based on my personal condition. I didn’t stay single for no reason too. I have seen through too many things. I know there is no right way for me. You will only know if you have been in that situation.

 Despite having the internet getting so much information about purchasing habits, what do these people knew about people who were offline? There are things done offline without leaving a trace. No digital signature. So, not all things taken digitally can take into account of what people did their whole life. The were footprints offline, bad or good. Now, instead of finding who is guilty, it is about finding who is not guilty at all.  Dad’s surgery needs to be fast. Sigh. I think the fastest way is still the most traditional way. Thereafter, I can make it happened. There are things I don’t trust about somebody, because I saw things offline. Good or bad. Is everyone putting an act? Not sure. I am sure there is someone who did. From there, I lost that trust. Truthfully speaking, what agenda or what motive? That’s why I am restless. Yet, I can’t trust myself sometimes. If it was the things that would harm my parents and I don’t see it? That’s the part I am worried. What people wou...

 Few steps forward, few steps back. The real sacrifices come from those who have nothing gain. After you have done so much, probably what you get was so little. In the end, your hard works go where.

 Will be spending my time doing what I did when I was young. Sigh… Life… 计划赶不上变化. 

 It isn’t helping people for free that is frustrating. More on the behaviour after help is provided… No need to be thankful or anything but don’t backstab lo…

 Should have done more on Material studies. At least I can give that $150/hr consultation job a consideration. Well, could be a scam but I also know there are jobs doing this without scamming. I think I have limited lots of my studies to just working in Sg on jobs people didn’t want to do only. Short term higher pay but long terms. hm… Actually doing jobs that people didn’t want to do is not a perk at all. Why? because why is it a job that people didn’t want to do in the first place? See anything contradicting? Can you do for long? for something that nobody wants to do? took me a while to see it. For your first job, I think the main criteria is to look at how this job will benefit you long term. Why can you always help people? when you needed help, nobody helped. You put up with it, can get on without help. Yet, people just want you to do their jobs, then reaped what you sow… Sacrifices meaning doing things without getting anything in return or it means giving more than receiving. ...

 I guess for the past two days my eyes were swollen and itchy could be because of the prawn crackers. I might have allergy to it. My nose was fine. I realised I ate quite a lot of it. Could it be all those time when my eyes were itchy or swollen could be due to the prawns. My runny nose could be the flowers.  I bought the wrong milk. I am lactose intolerant… Hmm… I just realised, i don’t have many options of foood. Cannot eat seafood, cannot drink milk… Cannot have too much sugar and salt while people just put them generously. Some of McD meals don’t have sugar or salt unless you took the drinks. I guess the culprit of all diseases is sugar. I really didn’t like the taste of sweetness in the veges that I ate or actually any food that is not snack food. I think desserts were fine but normal food, people kept adding sugar. It makes it taste so awful yet restaurant still did that… 

 My eyes has been itchy for quite sometimes. Especially the right eye. Nose okay. Guess all the flowers were gone from the trees for now. My nose won’t suffer until their next flowering time. That time if I have not recovered and just dropped dead, probably everything a different story. I should have ask Dad for more money when I was younger. Maybe fuss if people ask me to do things or have them give me money before doing. I think my work hours summing up could be a fortune. Then Dad wouldn’t have money to buy properties and we won’t get into the hassle of selling property, hence, the court case. Hm… Bad people everywhere.  I haven’t been driving for quite some times. When I did, I drove Dad’s car. We used to have one small Myvi and I would drive that. Prado was really too big to get used to. Remembered the trip back to Miri. I parked the car beside another car. It was on the right side (driver side). I pulled the brake and opened the car door, preparing to get off the car. Su...

 Here I am, once again at the crossroads. Neither crossing nor standing still. Maybe that is why roundabouts were invented. It’s just like the roundabouts. Whichever exit, none seemed to be where I should go. I just turn round and round and round. I decided for the first exit and ta da, a dead end. At the second exit, road under construction. At the third exit, making a u turn. Fourth exit, should I go? There is no map for life. I just kept going and going, loading. Meaning of life? Nope. Met tonnes of dead bodies and thieves. As you grew older, the more you will see. Anyway, if I don’t exit, I will run out of fuel too. If I stand still, people gonna bump into me. Maybe I should find a petrol station first so, I can go round forever.

 1.06am, 5.14am, 8.43am, 9.30am… Everytime I woke up from sleep, took a peek at the time. The sleep was like 4 hrs, 3.5hr, 45 mins… The dream that I felt the longest was actually the 45 mins one. I lost my phone like in a blink while paying for Chicken Rice in a neighbour that I have never been with my older sis and bro. The chicken rice took forever to prepare. Then I walked over to my siblings and ask them to call my phone. It rang for a while and then faded away… Then everything gets blurry and nobody listen to me anymore. I grabbed a few phones that looked like mine. It was purple and not iphone. Some other phone like properly mingle into a phone of different brand using my magsafe power bank… Hm… Then I saw police. A lot of kids then turned up to report things. We all raised our hand for our turns but it was never my turn. Then my siblings were no where in sight anymore. I woke up…  Another was me kept on washing my eyes because of allergic reaction. I kept on washing but...

 Realised why these few days, my nose blocked. breathing difficulty and my eyes itchy… especially at night. Right outside my windows…