Summing things up

So now I am doing three things, although not 💯 % of it  but most new features were added with a single word of this feature and a few spoken statements that worth possibly hundreds of possibilities. If it is easier said than done, this features that people said only required a few days to complete has never been completed. As a beginner, I guess I wasn’t totally pleased with what I have done but I think I am ok with the MVP considering my level. I was wondering, if today I quit, what should I expect for my next job. Do I wait til I am being replaced or do I seek to replace another? Everyone can be replaced, for the things I have learnt, what assessment should I used to assess myself on my skills. Would you wait til you are being replaced and go or would you go until you are being replaced. Everything about this jobs felt very insecure in terms of what I am doing. Like everything is still floating around and fatigue in everyone’s mind. People still have uncleared leaves. I wonder what’s truly there or not there. The uncertainties just grow on forever. Practising and adding standards that weren’t there in the beginning. Since everything is there liao, making changes should be simple and mostly a few days work so I can let it go? Well, for me I think I should do at least one more part before I truly let all go. That’s the best I can show or do liao. I really can’t go on like this forever. Sometimes, I wonder whichever path that I chose, I am after certain things more than the job title. The job title that could tear things and break things. Now, I am on a path that put myself at too high of a mountain when I am afraid of heights and my oxygen level probably not enough to survive. Then the next job think I can climb a mountain that high and I should climb another mountain that high on false image.

Another person approached me. Should I reject or shall I gave it a try…? Changing job is pretty ok but I am tired with the hiring process nowadays. Feeling all vague. 

That day while I was on the taxi home. The taxi driver was actually from a design background like 20 years back. He told me don’t give up. A pretty different conversation to have. Also, he told me that he was dropping a girl in her thirties from Malaysia off at the casino. She worked there. Then he said she owned the condo from where she was picked up from and she saved them from working at the casino. I looked at my dream jobs, well, I picked them and I definitely deserved no condos. Served me right. Actually, if I have stopped looking for job as an engineer long long time ago or never even starting to try as one and worked different odd job and probably I could earned enough to start a company that I can do anything I wished to it and chase after that dream probably I would enjoyed it more now. Doing the same thing but from different perspective. I didn’t need much. I could go on with a few hundred dollars per month if it means I could have the peace of mind at night. If I don’t have enough, I will go earn more. If I can’t earn more, I will just die away. That’s like a pretty simple life I am aiming for now. Why do I have to push myself or what do I really seek in life? I lost all counts. I think I got sidetracked.

Do you seek a dream job or a dream pay + dream job? Not that I can choose but then sometimes does the world worth that much for me to work that hard to what I want to achieve? Shall I continue and see the end of the tunnel or there is no end? What lost soul wanted? Where should the lost soul gone? Shall I be evil or shall I be kind? Shall I built on lies or shall I hide it? If truth does not exist, lies became the truth. 

Sigh. Maybe I don’t deserve many things. Maybe I should go away. Maybe I should have took the money and go enjoy life than to spend it on studies and the dream job that I though I had. Then when it’s time I will just die. It wasn’t a bad plan but why did I run away from it? I forgot what I am seeking. What are the adventures that I looked for? Maybe I can just stay at home and be a cashier. When there is nobody I can just read my books and enjoyed those adventures. Can I die a different way if I cannot do engineering? Hm… Thousands of questions flooded in why I picked Engineering at all. All those dreams were just dream or after all the hardship they become the truth or they just go away like my age, and be gone. How many lost souls are out there who seek the same that I’ve sought. My parents worked pretty hard to raise four Degree holders but they have no degree at all. All they have was their working attitude. They worked from nothing to what they have now. All for a degree that seems like a dream but do these degrees worth anything at all or were they just hypes so people with no degree fell for them. Is it social status that looks good on the outside or do they really worth something. 

I haven’t reply to that dream job because I foresee what I liked to do but will it be another dream? Just dream that seems too good to be true. Or shall I move on with a plan that I had long long time ago? Leaving Sg and back to Msia and work remotely. Anyway, the worst is just dying from covid probably or some crimes activities that got me killed. Probably, I can start a business in Msia when I graduated, using lower capitals and earn from higher capitals countries like many other.  Sometimes we thought they are greener pastures on the other side or the dream to achieve can be done better but just because you have not seen that other side. Back in life, they are both green or green never truly exist. It’s just a lure as words passed down that being on the other side was better. It is just a different view of how colourless the pasture was. Although there are perks that I have gained in Sg but there are also many prices that I have paid in exchange. Is Sg still the same like it used to be 10+ yrs ago? Would I still want my dad to cashed in all the money for what I had now? Instead of the other way round. I think what dad has done seems more successful than just a mere degree. One day, you will be replaced whenever possible. Or one day, you will replace another. It is just an exchange of jobs that were there. Never truly yours.