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Life as Human

Watch Buffy, The Vampire Slayer. Just completed season 5 after fast forwarding through most of the scene. Season 1 always the best. The rest of the Season is just to survive. The second one I think was much better was Season 5 where both Buffy and Willow became much stronger. Some parts were still funny for other seasons. Aunty kept asking me when will I start working again since I have been hogging her tv.

Sometimes, when I am done waiting, I will just do things myself. Or I don't do at all. Well, depends on what should I do. If that's the bottleneck preventing the next step, then I would. If I still have stuff to take care of, I wouldn't. Doing the same old thing for too long feels like when the world has changed, I am just done change to the world that was before the change. 

After working for 2 days from a week of resting and watch all the things I never watched, reaching home at night makes me feel sleepy. I am tired already. I need another holiday 😔. Well, the app I was working on still feels like a lot more things could be improved. If not for the time, I would want to perfect it. Sigh... This is actually the part where I hated most. It is bound by my pay. loathing.

Talking about things that I purchased. Bought a laptop bag but the dimension wasn't what I expected. Found the things that could fit in but then there after realised the bottom already disintegrated. Rubbery and cracking. Well, upgraded from an old cracking bag given by the company to new cracking bag. The reason I bought is because the company one is cracking kind of old crap. Now new crap. I trust Targus because I bought their usb hubs which lasted for about 5 years now. I bought another power extension last month. It worked fine. I didn't think twice about the bag... 

The good thing was the lightning to audio adapter. Glad it works because I so worried the material is subpar after such a big discount.

I realised while watching Buffy, back then facial recognition seems to exist. That was like 10-20 years ago. About Year 2000.

The shirts were fine too by Levis. Now, maybe my cabinet 33 percents were Levis, 33 percents Uniqlo, 11 percent TRT, 11 percent Giordano, 12 percent others (mainly those that I don't wear, bought all the wrong stuff. Got Hollister, No brands, Bossini, Hush puppies).

My stomach feels very bloated sometimes. Can feel the strains when I sit down. That's a terrible feeling. I think this year, I better get rid of it. The more I want to get rid of it, the more I eat. That's the thing. 

Now, I think I better complete the stuff, Much more like 10% not done that I am trying to rush out while not breaking the ui and majority of the time, crushing the data and crushing my brain to make their impossible ui but eventually I found ways to make it happen. I don't think anyone in the world has that. :) How I know? I have been looking at libraries to use. Screw the designer. Nope. They don't. If using theirs and still I had to edit, then why not edit from actual. Actual feels like 30 percent not done because of all that. Although, people think the design was ok. I am not sure if it is ok or just ok because it is different from conventions. Almost like a big website on a big mobile phone. Limitations everywhere. Makes me appreciate css and html.  I didn't like the fact that UI will slow down the app because of ridiculous requirement. Easy to use and treating customer like idiots were just a line a part. Mine is like for both. It is not easy to use but meant for idiots. Maybe I exaggerated. Hm. Not easy to juggle between design and ux.

I got other things I observed today. As I am writing, I slowly forgot about it. So, see if I ever remember then I will return to write about it.

I am hungry and full at the same time sometimes ... fats, when can u disintegrate by yourself. I duno how i got back to 72. 

As I wrote about that, I remember what I wanted to share. Apple TV+. I got charged monthly. I installed the app before thinking it was free but it wasn't so I did not watch. Nothing nice to watch also. Then today, I don't remember how and don't know why, I was subscribed to it and got charged monthly... I received the email only after they charged. Before that, I don't know how I got there. Looking at the list of things to watch because even though I cancelled, this month seems to have been paid, so hope they won't charge me next month. Sliding through the lot, nothing much that I am interested in to watch.... Same old story, again and again. Just like me when I was out of conversation. 

I think I accidentally charged myself something while doing test at work. I saw my bank account got some pending. 85cents... I don't remember if I have voided after the test but I did most of it. Maybe the last few that I did in a rush before ending work, I forgotten about voiding it before going off. All I remember was packing stuff when it's almost 7pm. Still so many things need to be done and tested... The one who is actually buying, I doubt they understand how to use. I think the designer themselves also took sometime to understand how everything goes and includes me as well. Hope all customers magically become genius in knowing how to use it. Amen.

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 现在哪里都要打仗了。是不是应该更要花时间找更稳定的工作。其实我的工作才是最没有保障的。应为我还不算这个公司的员工。然后还发现别的事。有问题到最后,我会先被赶走吧。那我现在更应该要找工作吧。不然等到仗都开始打了,我才找就太迟了。。。 Don’t deal with people with hidden agenda. Motto of life.

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有些事就只能是遗憾。这是一堂课。最难的一堂课。我想我唯一办到的就是当了工程师。剩下的就只能是遗憾。如果少了这一点我想那我就完全是个遗憾。我想走到这一步,并不是我自己一个人能走的。它不是天上掉下来的。是我在井里时看到别人丢给我的一条绳子。我就抓住了它。好久好久。有的时候好想放开却又不放。松了又紧握着。一层一层的用力爬。遇到各种各样的问题,我一直找答案。以前大人都说难题放一边,要先做简单的题目。这样可以拿一些分数。可是我不知道为什么我说不听。我喜欢从第一题做到最后。当我有一题不会做的时候我会很难受。放不开的一直在那题绕着死都不放。如果在考试结束了我还做不到,这个关我过不了。会一直留在心里。非常难受。很难受。 如果我可以在结束前想到答案,就算我好多题都没有答,那一天我还是会很开心的。应为我解决了一个难题。成就感比及格更重要。当然我妈的藤编是躲不过的。我想我是自讨苦吃。长大了我就会在乎分数。很不愿意的都先答我会的。。。虽然是这么做了,可是我很痛苦。。。有时候会习惯的一直先解决觉得比较难的问题。然后一堆很快可以解决的却放一边。。。瓶颈在哪里我就会在哪里。拿着罐头开,死命的敲。就算所有的小事都解决了,这个瓶颈还是过不了。尽然过不了,那些小事就白做了。有的时候那里来的选择。人走的每一段路都会有难题。你跳过了。问题会追着你跑。幸运的可以搭顺风车逃离。不幸运的会被问题追上。勇敢的就去面对问题。我只觉得小时候的勇敢,不怕考试不及格就为了那一题已经没有了。只能靠着只想普普通通的过一关算一关。能躲一关也是一关。 小时候的梦想其实只是长大以后的笑话。只是一点都不好笑。想去的演唱会,想做的事。。。会跟着时间消失。。。就是完成不了的。不是努力就可以的。。。感受也会慢慢的麻木。梦想如果可以真实一点失望就不会那么大。虽然有一些动力但是是不对的动力。有些事也改变不了了。别人以为的小事。如果你经历过,在和我说是小事。我不会报复性的说这只是小事。应为我知道不是。如果我不是以前的我,我不会这么做。应为以前的我也觉得是小事。