2020

有时候，很多事不是你做好自己就可以了。很多时候要为别人把最想做的事一一删掉。然后慢慢成为自己最不想成为的人。 世界，什么是公平。等你真正成熟了，你就不会喊不公平了。应为那些没喊的都在默默想办法去解决去努力。并不是他们被公平对待而是他们知道这是没办法的事。只能靠自己积极向上。不开心是一天，开心也是一天。而他们的成功从来都不是天上掉下来的。机会是等待但不要忘了抓住。 这几天，我被打倒了。很想就这样放弃。可是又不甘愿就这样了。

前天，十点回家。。。 11.30pm ++ 到家。While i was in the train, the PA systems keep on talking and talking as if somebody muffled the person who is announcing. A little bit longer for each stops. I could only pick up bus or something something. I presumed everything was ok and only the PA system was down. The train is still moving too. Then just mow my sis told me somebody went into the mrt track and hit by the train. 31 years old. Everything is still under investigation... Life is just not worth it. Probably we will really be gone and just stop existing in this world. There is no heaven or hell. There is no paradise and just thin air. We will never truly meet again. Just like any other living things. Once gone, truly gone. I hope it is that way though. Because it means everything ended. No enjoying and no suffering. That's better when we were thinking what will be our judgment at the end of life.  It is Chap Goh Meh today. I just want to do my things. That's all for this life. This is the ...

Came across a brand for a long time. I was guessing initials... ysl 要死了。。。

没有把整个岛弄坏了。。。 给一个猫的照片 骗你的。是三张。 别人的猫。又肥又大。有脾气爱面子的猫。 猫，你在想什么呢？如果我是你，我会想什么呢？ 有的时候我觉得猫有人的灵魂。我看着他但没有伸手，他就不过来了。骄傲的从我面前经过。看了看又走了。可是他看我的眼神好像懂我。一个眼神就好像沟通。 以前店里来了一只怀孕的猫。他就会慢慢走过来就趴在我身边。我就摸了摸他。我叫他，他也懂。好像人。后来就躲在店里生了三只猫。其中一只是灰色的。和我最好。我经常抱他。 其实很多动物都不肯你抱他们的孩子。就他可以让我抱他的小孩。他们懂得。曾经抱了hamster的宝宝。第二天只剩头了。。。我不懂他懂不懂我。他没有咬我。可是眼神看不到他在想什么。

还有很多关。。。😭 sigh

我惨死了。。。

I don't set everything too high. I just need a room with a bed, two pillows, a blanket, a jacket, a computer table, a handphone, a monitor, some food and a computer. I already have them... Let's hope I don't lose them. Best is I can have a whole room to myself. 我可以穷可是不可以没有电脑。再加多一个橱放衣和书就很完美了。

想吃。我可以吃两盘。

有些事就只能是遗憾。这是一堂课。最难的一堂课。我想我唯一办到的就是当了工程师。剩下的就只能是遗憾。如果少了这一点我想那我就完全是个遗憾。我想走到这一步，并不是我自己一个人能走的。它不是天上掉下来的。是我在井里时看到别人丢给我的一条绳子。我就抓住了它。好久好久。有的时候好想放开却又不放。松了又紧握着。一层一层的用力爬。遇到各种各样的问题，我一直找答案。以前大人都说难题放一边，要先做简单的题目。这样可以拿一些分数。可是我不知道为什么我说不听。我喜欢从第一题做到最后。当我有一题不会做的时候我会很难受。放不开的一直在那题绕着死都不放。如果在考试结束了我还做不到，这个关我过不了。会一直留在心里。非常难受。很难受。 如果我可以在结束前想到答案，就算我好多题都没有答，那一天我还是会很开心的。应为我解决了一个难题。成就感比及格更重要。当然我妈的藤编是躲不过的。我想我是自讨苦吃。长大了我就会在乎分数。很不愿意的都先答我会的。。。虽然是这么做了，可是我很痛苦。。。有时候会习惯的一直先解决觉得比较难的问题。然后一堆很快可以解决的却放一边。。。瓶颈在哪里我就会在哪里。拿着罐头开，死命的敲。就算所有的小事都解决了，这个瓶颈还是过不了。尽然过不了，那些小事就白做了。有的时候那里来的选择。人走的每一段路都会有难题。你跳过了。问题会追着你跑。幸运的可以搭顺风车逃离。不幸运的会被问题追上。勇敢的就去面对问题。我只觉得小时候的勇敢，不怕考试不及格就为了那一题已经没有了。只能靠着只想普普通通的过一关算一关。能躲一关也是一关。 小时候的梦想其实只是长大以后的笑话。只是一点都不好笑。想去的演唱会，想做的事。。。会跟着时间消失。。。就是完成不了的。不是努力就可以的。。。感受也会慢慢的麻木。梦想如果可以真实一点失望就不会那么大。虽然有一些动力但是是不对的动力。有些事也改变不了了。别人以为的小事。如果你经历过，在和我说是小事。我不会报复性的说这只是小事。应为我知道不是。如果我不是以前的我，我不会这么做。应为以前的我也觉得是小事。

最近累到。。。 有几次差点用牙膏洗脸。还好没有。比以前好一点。以前我不小心用了洗脸霜刷牙。。。苦。。。死。。。了。。。你可以试试。。。不要吞下去就可以了。

今天有人请客。吃太多了。从下午饱到现在。傍晚有点晕，又想吐的感觉。我怕太迟回家等晚一点会吐在地铁上。所以不加班了。赶快回家。太久没这么大吃大喝了。回到家。丢好垃圾。然后要冲凉的时候突然的想吐。就吐了。幸好到家了。要不然像有一次吐在巴士站。衣服都脏了。又晕。。。 

The day before I only slept for 2 hours. Then yesterday, reached home about 9:30pm. Decided to go to sleep around 10 am because I felt sleepy. Then set my alarm to wake up at about 2am to finish some stuff or debugging for the uat this morning. I can't tell a lot of things because the app is really old. My editor was quite new. The oldest might have problem doing the code also. I have to deal with it differently, otherwise, it is a fast job to do. The moment I hit the bed, I wasn't asleep. Tired but can't sleep. I was like floating on my bed. Anyway, my problem or the bed. In the mrt, I was asleep for a bit but light sleep. I woke up at 2am, super tired and I can't open my eyes. I snoozed till 2:30am I guess. I thought of just give up but well, second thought brought my body to the table. Struggling to get my laptop out of my bag. Washed my face. Struggling to let it start. I pray to God to let me find the way to make it work. I opened up my program. There it is. The co...

我这个年龄也是这样抱着你喂鱼，帮你穿鞋子。每天就抱着你看鱼游来游去。现在换你抱着表弟，还会照顾表弟。你们长的好快啊。你就17了。要上高中了。你小时候唯一的脾气就是只要喝妈妈泡的奶，吃饭要妈妈喂，要看Tom and Jerry (我也喜欢)。你是一位好帮手。你也很细心还有总是让着弟弟。小朋友和小动物都很喜欢你。妈妈让你帮忙你都会马上帮。扫地收拾喂狗你都会。想要什么都不会说，可是我们问了你眼睛会发亮。妈妈说你不能收，再想要你也会听妈妈的话。爷爷每天让你学太极。你不想也没有拒绝。你和姐姐太乖了。也会照顾弟弟。现在成绩也考的很好。加油呀。别忘了放学后要把书包背回家。有人一放学就直接上车，书包还留在学校。。。希望你能想到自己大学最想读什么。 14 vs 10 一下弟弟也追上了身高。17 vs 13。 可爱的你们还是对我这个姑姑来说还是很可爱。13岁的你， 还是开开心心的顽皮。家里最小。都被大家宠着。也懂得照顾表妹。虽然就小你两个月。爱哭的表妹和你一起玩都会笑着。两只老鼠。照顾你的时候，我不能一秒没看着你。你肯定会做出什么大事。姐姐哥哥都会坐着看电视，你会跑去找出我们藏起来的糖果和弯豆吃。一吃可以把和你一样大的罐都扫光。小时候的你每次我们说再见，要回家了，你就会装着不看。还以为你怎么了，去看一下才发现应为你不舍得。喜欢热闹。只要听到要出门，你都很开心。有时候还先拿好车钥匙。你很喜欢说话。现在就不知道了。一直听说有人一整天都在看电脑。冲凉也看。虽然懒惰但是还是很听爸爸妈妈的话。你最怕你姐姐是对我们来说最好笑的事。哈哈。你读书，最辛苦的是你爸妈吧。应为哥哥姐姐都是自动的。可是最后你也考得好。小聪明还是有用的。快高长大我可爱的一点都不小了的侄子。 好爱你们。要好好的长大。希望你们都不会有不开心的事。照片都是你们小姑今天和昨天拍的发给我们。好舍不得你们都长大了。

最近走在路上，抽烟的人越来越多。抽烟致癌到现在还不懂。这是科学肯定的。不止肺，还有很多其他的伤害。二手菸更是害死人。应为不常抽的人也要和你一起抽。抽完以后在身上的物质也是会伤害人的。烟散了物还在。Nicotine is addictive and can cause cancer and other health issues. 身边的人都是这个情况。当你后悔了也来不及了。等死亡到来很简单可是癌症是久久的痛和难受。请不要抽了。保护好自己还有身边的人。陪你等待死亡的人也会痛苦的。卖的人只是靠你在赚钱。更本不会管你死不死。身边例子很多。但我不想说是谁。

I was out for a movie called The Endgame (人潮汹涌). I didn't really get the meaning of the title though. Meaning a lot of people. Probably will google later on. It was a nice show overall. It wasn't entirely too technical and superficial. The storyline flows. Some people are laughing and I did too at certain part. The humours were on point. Some parts weren't predictable. Not too naggy. More real life and yet it wasn't real. It doesn't look like a plan or plot though. I didn't fall asleep too. I guess it's been too long since I last watch a movie. Sometimes I missed out some part when I am trying to read the subtitles. I tried reading the chinese subtitle to improve my reading. I used to watch hk shows doubling the speed to get to the story end and I was able to read the chinese subtitle at that speed. I think the lack of reading can cause the reading process to slow down over the years. Even now it is playing at the right speed, I can't finish reading it. ...

It's another chinese new year. This time round, usually we would go back to Brunei and Miri but it wasn't the case this year because of C-19. I think there were twice I never celebrated at home. Once was when I was studying in TARC. Another was when I was studying at NTU. I was staying in a hostel at TARC and I guess I was the only one in the whole hostel who never go back. The quietness was a bit scary and I did wonder how I got through it. Everyone go back for cny. I was trying to save the flight money so I chose not to go home. It used to be expensive to fly back. Flight was like only a few times in a week. That's my bravest decision I guess. While studying at NTU, holiday I can work full time although I was doing part time. Why not use the time to earn more. Aunty did brought me along to celebrate new year so I wasn't alone this time. Although I am someone who totally enjoy solitude, it is still not that good to celebrate cny along or rejected another goodwill. I wo...

If you have seen this... I always watched this or Dexter. The reason for watching is I wanted to find out how Cow and Chicken's parent looked like but I never seen their upper part of the body. I am fascinated by how gene created each part of our body differently. I bought myself a new keyboard for the new year. hehehe.... keyboard warrior. everytime i bought one, the latest one turned out to be better.....

在家里上班。。。有点开心其实。